Twilight Cast Change
by Senior Stevensonville
Summary: This is a retelling of the Twilight movie, but with different actors.  Starring Samuel L Jackson.
1. Chapter 1

Cast list:

Bella : Samuel L Jackson

Bella's "Mom": Owen Wilson

Bella's Father: Ben Stiller

Jacob: Chris Farley

Edward: Nick Swardson

Edward's limo driver: Ryan Dunn

Edward's maid: Queen Latifa

Principal: Hulk Hogan

Bella's homeroom teacher: Mentok the Mindtaker

Bella is in a field of white roses, and is embraced by some hot mystery guy. He smiles at her, and pledges his undying love for her.

"I love you more than anything. I would kill my family for you. You're more beautiful than Snow White, Cinderella, Princess Jasmine, Ariel, and Queen Ursula all melded into one."

"Shut up and fuck me already, mother fucker!"

The mysterious guy laughs at Bella's forward attitude, and puts his face closer to hers. He slowly move his lips towards hers, but when their lips connect, she feels something hard and plastic. She opens her eyes to realize she's kissing her Justin Bieber action figure. Her mind clears, and she realizes that she was just having a dream.

"God damn! My pants are wet and my cootie itches!"

Bella is the main character of this story. Bella is a plain-looking Caucasian girl with brown hair. She's a very straightforward and headstrong girl, which sometimes turns other people away. However, very, very, very deep inside her rests a gentle soul who just wants someone to love her, I think. She gets up and changes her clothes for school. She leaves her room, but when she heads for the front door to leave the house, she hears her parents arguing.

"Why do I always have to be the woman? I want to be the man sometimes, too!"

"You're the woman because you look and act the most womanly between the two of us!"

"I think you're both little bitches!"

Bella shouts towards them, then leaves. She skips joyfully down the street while heading toward school. Luckily, she doesn't live far from school, so she can easily walk there.

"La-la-la-la-la mother fucker!"

Bella arrives at her school after a short walk. There's really no extraordinary aspects of the school other than the statue of the principal showing off his muscles. It's the beginning of the school after a long and enjoyable school break. She walks to her locker to put some of her things up, but she sees a note inside of it.

"Oh shit! Is someone confessing their love to me? I don't think my heart is ready!"

She opens the note to see only two words on it. The words read: "Black man". Bella will not tolerate someone insulting her girly image.

"Someone's gettin' their asses beat!"

Bella sees a group of girls giggling and looking at her. She quickly identifies them as the bullies, and walks over to them. There's about three girls, and they surround Bella when she walks to them. The leader smirks and starts speaking to Bella.

"So here's the ugly skank. You're gonna pay for sleeping with my boyfriend!"

"Is your boyfriend the little pussy with his initials tattooed on his ass? I didn't sleep with the little pussy! He passed out when I put my tongue down his throat!"

"You fucking bitch! Lets get her!"

When they start to grab her hair, she punches all three of them on the face. One of the girls was knocked on the ground, so Bella punts her in the stomach. Another girl is standing up, but she's dazed from that strong punch. Bella takes the girl's head, and repeatedly slams it in a locker. She stops when the door of the locker is covered in blood. When Bella is done with her, she looks for the leader, but she doesn't see her. She must have run away.

"What a bunch of pussies!"

Bella spits on the other two. She pays attention to her surroundings to see that a circle of spectators has formed around her. She scowls at them, and the group quickly disperses. A teacher walks up to her with a stern expression on his face.

"Fighting on the first day of school? Off to the principal's office with you! Else you face the wrath of the mind taker! Oooooiiiiiiioooooiiiii!"

The teacher makes weird hand gestures over his face while making those noises. Bella wants to punch the teacher, but she restrains herself. She walks to the principal's office as asked, and sits in front of his desk. The principal isn't in the office, but after waiting for only a minute, he walks in.

"What are you doing in my office, brother?"

"I'm not your god damn brother! I was sent here after beating the shit out of three bitches!"

"Ah, fighting in school. You shouldn't do that, brother! I'll give you a warning this time, but if I see it again, you're going to alternative school! What ya gonna do, when alternative school runs wild on you?"

The principal rips his shirt off, and sends Bella back to class. Bella heads to her homeroom class, which is still going on. She enters the room, and notices a guy sitting in her desk. She throws the guy out of her seat and sits down.

"You're late! No-one shall be late in my class! Oh, you're the girl I sent to the principal's office. Nevermind then!"

The teacher who sent her to the principal's office is her homeroom teacher. He's sitting Indian style while floating about 5 feet in the air. He then points at a fat guy in the room.

"You! Jacob! Stop thinking about fat girls and pay attention!"

"H-h-how did you know what I was thinking about?"

The teacher smiles proudly.

"Because I'm Professor Mentok The Mindtaker! I know everything! Oooooiiiiioooooiiiiii!"

The rest of the day passes by uneventfully. She decides to go to the park to smell the flowers for a little while. During her walk, she spots something very unusual. It's a man in a full suit of armor. He seems to be waiting for something. The guy caught Bella's attention, so she decides to talk to him.

"What kind of crazy mother fucker goes to a park in a suit of armor!"

"Eeeeek! You startled me! Don't speak so loudly!"

"I'll talk as loudly as I damn well please! Now answer my god damn question!"

"Uhhh...umm...I'm not too good with the sun, so I-"

"Speak up mother fucker!"

"I'm weak against the sun, so I have to wear this suit of armor outdoors!"

"I see! That's too bad!"

As Bella was about to continue her conversation, a large African American woman in a maid outfit hugs the man in armor around the neck.

"Come on, sugar. It's time for you to go home."

"Hey, pansy! What's your name?"

"My name's Edward. Edward Cullin. Please stop yelling at me."

"My name's Bella Swan! Remember it mother fucker!"

Edward is led to a limo. The driver of the limo seems to be enjoying some hard alcohol. When Edward and the maid get into the limo, the driver speeds off before letting them close the door, hitting a couple and a few animals along the way. Bella feels that this will be the start of a great new friendship. She feels fulfilled at her encounter, and decides to go home.

She heads straight to the kitchen to see what she can find to eat, since her parents are gone. She settles for a raw piece of steak, and eats it with her hands while heading to her room. She also chugs a gallon of milk on the way to her room. There's nothing for her to do, so she watches some girly shows on TV to pass the time, but eventually falls asleep. After some time, she wakes up with an intense urge to urinate.

"I've gotta piss like a fucking race horse!"

Bella runs to the bathroom, but notices her father banging the bathroom door. Her mother is on the other side of the door.

"I'm sorry I played with your mustache in public! I'll never do it again!"

"You never think about my feelings! I'm trying to be the best woman I can be for you, despite not wanting to, and you have to do something like that in front of everyone!"

"Let me use the fucking bathroom!"

"We're busy right now, Bella. Use the yard or something."

"God damn!"

Bella frustratedly goes outside and finds a good place to squat. While she's urinating, she hears a wolf howling near her. The noise is incredibly loud, and starts to get on her nerves. She gets up, puller her pants up, then she goes inside, grabs a baseball bat, and heads back outside. She walks to the source of the noise, and is a little surprised to see what's causing it. It's a werewolf about two feet taller than her. It seems to be howling at the house of a chubby girl who lives near her. Bella walks up to the werewolf and starts mercilessly beating it with the baseball bat.

"Shut the fuck up! Some people are trying to sleep, mother fucker!"

The werewolf struggles, but Bella's strength with the baseball bat is too much for it. Bella keeps beating the werewolf until it stops moving. Bella's satisfied with her handiwork and decides to head back to her house. Upon returning to her house, she realizes she was still peeing when she first got up to grab the baseball bat. Her pants are soaked.

"God damn!"

Bella's parents are still arguing through the bathroom door, and this time, she doesn't have the patience to wait.

"I've gotta take a fucking bath!"

Bella punches her father in the face, tears the bathroom door off, and kicks her mother out of the bathroom. Bella takes a bath to clean the urine on her legs, and changes her clothes. She notices her father's still knocked out in the hallway, so Bella puts her urine-stained panties over her father's head, then decides to go to bed, since it's pretty late. She thinks about all of the interesting people she met, and goes to sleep thinking about how her new school year will be more interesting than ever.

Chapter 1 end


	2. Chapter 2

Cast List:

Bella's stalker: Rob Schneider

Edward's father: Terry Crews

Bella is searching around what looks like a field of white cloth. In the middle of the field is a bed with a naked guy on top of it. His privates are conveniently covered by the cloth. He is a fairly small guy with a weak composure. He's incredibly scared of Bella when he sees her. Bella maliciously smiles when she sees him.

"I'm gonna have some fun with you, boy!"

"No! Get away from me, scary lady!"

Bella goes over to him and tries to pin him down. He struggles, and manages to shove her off the bed. She gets up from the fall and sees her bed room. It seems that she was dreaming.

"Mother fucker!"

Bella breaks her bedroom window out of anger. She puts on her clothes for school and heads for her parents' bedroom. She walks to her mother, and kicks her on the backside.

"Make me some mother fucking breakfast, mother fucker!"

"Aww, are you in a bad mood, dear? Let me make you some breakfast."

"Make it snappy, bitch!"

Bella's mother runs out of the room in an excessively girly manner and heads for the kitchen. About 3 minutes later, her mother runs back to her room, and gives Bella a bowl of cereal.

"Thank you, bitch! If I wasn't a girl, I'd make you my wife!"

Bella takes the bowl of cereal and starts eating it as she walks to her front door. She exits the font door, and heads to school. She gulps down the last of the milk, and throws the bowl at a passing car. It breaks through the front window and hits the driver's head, causing him to lose control and crash. Bella continues walking to school as though nothing happened. When she reaches, the school, something strange is going on. Her classmate, Jacob Black, is acting very strangely. He has taken his shirt off, and is on top of the statue of the principal.

"Hell yeah! ADCD! Lets rock! Wooooooooo!"

"I should have used my god damn cereal bowl on this ass hole!"

Jacob is rocking his head up and down, but eventually passes out and falls off of the statue. Bella and everyone else watching loses interest and leaves the passed out Jacob on the ground. Bella attends class like usual, but Jacob is missing through part of the day. He eventually returns, and everyone says he was acting strangely because of head trauma. Nothing happens during class. During lunch time, Bella orders the daily special, and sits at a table with some of the more popular girls in the school. They aren't pleased with her sitting there, but they don't say anything, since she has a reputation for being violent.

"This is some good mother fucking food! Mmmmmmmm-mmmmmmm bitch!"

She gets a little too into her eating, and starts eating from the plates of the people she's sitting with. They stare at her with a bewildered expression at first, then they just leave the table with their trays still on the table. She pays no mind, and continues eating. Jacob notices of the food on the table, and starts picking at the food as well. Bella notices him and throws a plate at him, which he barely dodges.

"This is my god damn food, mother fucker! Get your own!"

"What the hell? It's not like a girl like you can eat all of this food! Share some with me!"

"If you don't get away from this table, I'm gonna have to whoop your fat ass!"

"You're gonna get fatter than me if you keep eating like that!"

Jacob makes those parting words and then leaves. Right as Bella finishes her food, and the food of 6 other girls, lunch break ends. Bella's having a hard time walking, but she somehow makes it back to class. As she's attending class, her stomach is in pain. She realizes how much of a mistake it was to eat 7 peoples' worth of food. While class is going on, she rushes to the female's bathroom. Luckily, all of the stalls are empty, so no-one has to be thrown out. Bella takes a seat and starts doing her business. She hears someone come in shortly after her. She pays no mind and continues. The person stops right in-front of her door. Bella's having a bit of trouble, but she's trying. Bella looks up, to see the top of a guy's head looking into her stall.

"You can do it!"

Bella's furious at the guy, but she can't get up. Bella finishes quickly, then tears down the stall door, but by the time she did, the guy was long gone. Bella starts to walk out of the bathroom, and the guy sneaks up to her and whispers in her ear.

"You did it!"

"You creepy mother fucker!"

Bella swings her fist at him, but he's not there. She begins doubting whether or not he was actually there to begin with. The rest of the school day goes by uneventfully. When school ends, Bella decides to look for Edward. She has no clue where he might be, so she starts looking around the park, but he's not there. She remembers that Edward had a maid and a limo, so she figured that he might live in the area where all of the rich people live. When she reaches the place, it doesn't take her long to spot the one large mansion with a gate that has a limo driven through it. The limo driver is on top of the car, and when he notices Bella, he stops her, and starts talking to her.

"Hey, little girl! Want to watch me kick a bear in the nads?"

"You go and get yourself killed by yourself!"

The drunk limo driver heads back into the limo, and drives off, hitting a few other cars on the way out. Bella walks in the mansion without knocking, and looks around for Edward. The maid she met yesterday spots her.

"Who are you, and what are you doing in here?"

"Can't you tell that I'm looking for someone?"

"No, I can't. I met you yesterday when you were talking to Edward. Is he the one you're looking for?"

"Why yes I am! Where the hell is he?"

"Hon, I'm the only one who's gonna lick his butter bowl. You're gonna get through me if you want to see him."

"Lets rumble, mother fucker!"

The maid and Bella get into fighting poses, and stare at each other. When they were about to fight, the roof collapses between them, and a large man appears from the rubble. He's a large, shirtless, muscular African American man, and he's riding on a white tiger.

"Why are you fighting in my house? Anyone wanting to destroy my property will have to answer to me!"

"Calm down, mother fucker! I'm just here to see Edward, and this god damn fat ass started shit with me!"

"Why didn't you say so? My son is asleep right now, and all this noise you're making will wake him up! Edward is weak to the sunlight, so he's only awake during the night! Come back then!"

"Calm the fuck down!"

The man riding the white tiger is apparently the owner of the house. He screams everything he speaks, which takes even Bella off guard, who only shouts everything she says. As he speaks, his body convulses, and veins bulge out of him. When the master of the house finishes talking with Edward, he punches down the door to a nearby room, and goes in there. The maid isn't anywhere in sight.

Bella decides to look for Edward while he's asleep. There's nothing that arouses Bella more than someone weak and helpless. She looks in each room that she can find, and eventually finds a bedroom with someone asleep in the bed. She concludes that this must be Edward's room. She walks up closer to him to see what he looks like. Edward looks exactly like the guy she saw in her dream earlier this morning. He's a small, Caucasian guy with a weak composure. She licks her lips at the sight.

"You're mine, you scrawny little bitch!"

Bella starts reaching for Edward's privates, but as she does, the wall in Edward's room collapses. The master of the house seems to be the cause, and he looks rather displeased, according to his standards at least. To any normal person, he looks furious.

"I told you not to wake my boy! I'm gonna have to use force to remove you from this house!"

"I don't think so, mother fucker!"

Bella throws a table at the house's owner, and jumps outside through the window. She knows she isn't a match for a guy that large and a white tiger. Bella decides to head back home, since it's getting dark outside. Her father greets her at the door. He's wearing a dress and a wig.

"Hello, my daughter! I'll be your mother today!"

"Those clothes suit a pussy like you!"

Bella's not in a good mood. She's like a dog who had a delicious piece of meat dangling in front of her, but was unable to eat it. She sees her mother wearing a suit, but still acting needlessly girly. Bella walks over to her mother, kicks her in the stomach, and throws her across the room. Bella goes to the kitchen, grabs a package of sandwich meat and a 2 liter of cola, and takes them to her room. After finishing her meal, she ends the day. She realizes that she should probably prepare a few weapons the next time she wants to visit Edward's house.

Chapter 2 end


End file.
